Noah's Seven Rules for Passport Related Emergencies

Traveling is a series of catastrophes.  The better we cope with these daily crises when we're on the road, the better we can enjoy a sunset on a deserted beach, a bullfight on a deserted beach, or clinging to dear life while flying backwards through a British roundabout.  What is the most terrifying of these travel emergencies you ask?  Passport issues.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I have become an expert on passport problems, and by following these easy to remember rules, you too can seemlessly make your way in and out of many a country with insufficient or even non-existent documentation.

Rule #1 Don't Panic:  Anyone who has traveled with me knows that I don't usually follow rule #1.  When somebody tells me not to panic, I tend to respond by ripping handfuls of my hair out or throwing up on a nearby animal, but seriously, at the moment you first realize you have a passport problem, there is often nothing you can do about it.  Rather than tearing your rental car apart looking for the thing, go party with Croatian soccer hooligans.  You'll call the embassy in the morning with a headache, but it will be worth it.

Rule #2 Dress the Part:  A collard shirt says, "I am an upstanding individual with enough money to support myself, you should feel honored to let me into your country, despite my damaged passport."  A tie says, "I have something to hide."

Rule #3 Copy, Copy, Copy: A photocopy of a valid passport can be a lifesaver, and can speed up the process when applying for a replacement.  Carry a few of them in a few different places. This is one of those things that Mom reminds you of every day that is actually a good idea, just remember to keep a copy in your coat...which you should always wear so you don't catch a cold.

Rule #4 Smile: It's not that machine-gun wielding government police officer's fault that you can't find your passport.

Rule #5 Lie: Seriously.

Rule #6 Lie Well: When I accidentally washed my passport the night before jumping on a plane from Italy to the UK, I told multiple officials that it had been damaged in Venice during the recent flooding.  Had they asked any follow up questions, I was ready with a full story, the date of the damage, and which Ventian hotel I was staying at.  When my passport was "stolen" in Croatia, I arrived at the American embassy with paperwork from a police officer in Split corroborating my story.  Remember, lying is only helpful until you get caught. Don't let them catch you!

Rule #7 Drip Dry: Your Passport won't respond well to hair dryers, best to stand it up and fan out the pages.